Sticks and Stars

It feels like it’s been a long time since I posted, particularly since I haven’t even been semi-posting (where I write most of a post and then never get around to finish it but later can’t recall whether I posted it or not). My big excuse is the recently passed holidays, as well as my move, as well as the fact that my boys’ dad was in town and visiting even and that had me so roiled up that I couldn’t even talk about it. And that’s saying a lot considering that usually talking about it is the first thing I want to do in response to roil.

But he’s gone now (or at least I think he is — he’s not responding to my text messages asking whether he’s going to come and see the boys again) and without getting into the intensity of my wide ranging emotions surrounding the matter of his visit, I will say that I felt simultaneously giddy with the hope that maybe he will actually develop a relationship with both of his sons and that they will then possibly be able to spend some reasonable length of time visiting him and get to have their father in their lives, and intensely bitter at his getting to stop by and play Daddy Claus without having to take any responsibility for his children and the fact that he probably prefers it that way because he gets all of the pity (with regards to the horrible evil bitch who’s keeping his children from him — me) without any of the work and so he’s probably not terribly motivated to change any of this.

But whatever. I am happy that he’s gone and I’d greatly prefer to return him to his usual level of importance in my thoughts, which is none at all, so let’s change the subject.

Today begins week three of my effort to make a pot of soup each week in the hopes of having something for lunch that doesn’t also involve spending $7-$10 every day. Week one I made cassoulet and it was horrible, week two I made lentil soup with sausage and spinach and it was very yummy, and today I’m making black eyed pea gumbo. I’m trying to be forward thinking about cooking in general, planning meals that usually result in leftovers that can then be frozen, and doing extra prep work for each meal that will hopefully result in quicker prep time for future meals (like sauteing two onions instead of one and then freezing the extra). The real challenge is planning meals that my one year old will eat since he is taking a minimalist approach to food and has limited himself to just pasta, certain fruits, and chocolate. But I can do pasta, in all of its varied forms and sauce combinations.

This weekend I’ve been trying to tackle my mess of a house. At the same time, I have almost zero energy and am feeling entirely overwhelmed, so I’m trying to go easy on myself. Yesterday I committed to just one room, my boys’ room, with the intent of getting all the Christmas toys out of the living room and somehow contained in their small space. The solution was new shelves, the adjustable kind with the rails that are mounted on the wall. I feel pretty proud of myself for getting them up (and level!) all by myself and with no temper tantrums. I freely admit that I am not, nor do I have any interest in being, handy.

Beyond soup making, my plan for today includes doing dishes and laundry (although now that I have my own washer and dryer, laundry is more a joy than an actual task — I’m sure that will fade) and tackling another room, maybe my bedroom since that’s where the remaining three or four unpacked boxes lived, the ones that are actually partially unpacked (and mostly strewn about) since I’ve had to rifle through them every time I need to find envelopes or parchment paper or an extension cord. I’m feeling pretty good at the moment, so maybe I can add the bathroom to today’s list as well, since that’s a small room that really doesn’t need much work.

I have three resolutions for the new year that I’m kind of excited about, ones that resulted from me asking myself the question, “What would make me happy in 2008?” Even more exciting is that I’ve been thinking long and hard about achieving them and what steps I need to take and I have lots of good ideas. But I actually did write most of a post on that subject already, so I’ll wait to say more until that post is posted.

I hope you all had a happy bunch of holidays (whichever ones you celebrate) or a happy day off (if you celebrate none). Mine was very nice, complete with more gifts than expected, a big family dinner at a nearby Indian restaurant that included all of my boys’ immediate family (except their dad), and even snow (first white Christmas ever). I used to think that Christmas would always suck while I was unpartnered, but this one was very nice.

It’s kind of amazing how incredibly oblivious my children, particularly my four year, can be (a reasonable amount of obliviousness is expected from my one year old I suppose). Today I ventured out into the savage wilderness that is the last weekend shopping day before Christmas in order to return several of my gifts that had been usurped by gifts from other family members and friends, and to replace said gifts with new selections. My boys’ dad is in town and I had hoped that he might be willing/able to watch them so I could do the shopping alone, but that was not to be the case. So we ventured into the thick of it.

At one store I hid everything under my coat. I was waiting for some man to pull me aside and say, “Miss, we’ll need you to come with us,” but we made it to the check out line unmolested. At another store I told my four year old that the game we were buying was for my brother…because every 29 year old man is dying to get his hands on Polar Express for the GameCube. At another store both boys were happily enthralled by the train tracks set up at the front of the store, so I was free to browse at my leisure. But even when I picked up an item while in the midst of conversing with my four year old, he did not make the connection that this same item would be making a later, post-Santa reappearance (because he complained all the way home about not getting this item and how mean I am for forcing to him to wait two days for his crappy Christmas presents).

It’s all done though, the shopping. I spent way too much money and bought way too much crap, but I guess that’s Christmas for ya. Next year hopefully I won’t be moving and will be able to devote more time to thoughtful gifts that require more effort than cash.

Some people prefer the frosting to the actual cookies.

I cleaned my old apartment today and now I’m coughing and wheezing and having a hard time breathing. I think it’s safe to say that it was definitely my crappy old apartment that turned me mildly asthmatic.

On the brighter side, a friend gave me a truly awesome Christmas/Solstice/Holiday gift today: a tin of freshly baked, undecorated sugar cookies, a decorating kit and a couple tubs of colored frosting. I had just been thinking about how much I wanted to make sugar cookies with my boys but how time was running out and I knew I wouldn’t get around to it, and moments before she handed me the tray with a smile, I was bitching to her about that very thing.

That is an excellent gift for the single mothers in your life who so want their children to have every fun childhood experience they had around Christmas but who lack the time, energy, organization, energy, time and time. And energy.

This friend also offered to sacrifice a day of her weekend next week to watch my boys while I get my shit together. I was lamenting that I wished I could just have a day where I could sit and brainstorm around some problems I’m facing, write up a good budget and financial plan, and start working on some ideas I have that might make my life easier and she immediately offered to provide that for me.

I believe that my dad is getting me a very fancy new iPod for Christmas but I’m pretty sure that my gifts from this friend take the cake.

I am feeling seriously blue today but this post made me smile. The comments in particular — all the lazy parents out there admitting to their sneaky lazy parenting methods. I can’t deny that I am right there with them…I just try not to admit to my grave parenting flaws since I have a co-parent who watches over my shoulder, clipboard in hand, taking careful notes for our inevitable court battle to save my children from the evilness that is me.

I don’t think I ever mentioned how much better I felt about my parenting when my boys’ dad left town and I was no longer under his magnifying glass. I still keep my lazy parenting cards close to my chest, though, because when you don’t have another person to confirm to you that yeah, it’s probably okay that your kids don’t get bathed until actually stinky, you worry that everyone else is doing everything right and you’re treading into some vaguely amorphous territory of child abuse.

I’m feeling kind of blue today, just a little blue, maybe light blue, maybe skim milk blue.

My weekend was okay. I got (almost) everything moved and most stuff unpacked, but my new place is so grimy (the cleaning folks hired by the owner canceled at the last minute so he decided not to bother) that I hesitate to put things away, particularly kitcheny things since that’s the room that’s grimiest. I should just clean it (the kitchen, that is), but it would be a big undertaking and an even bigger undertaking since the kitchen is filled with boxes and random stacks of loose items. It feels like all I can do to just unpack, much less clean the whole damned place.

I also hurt my back on Saturday, which really did not facilitate the moving/unpacking process. It still hurts today but it’s getting better.

One thing I need to remember for future moves, especially considering the general high tech nature of my household, is to check the outlets to make sure that a) there are some, and b) they have been updated to the grounded type so that I can actually plug in more than a lamp. My new place is lacking both, which leaves me facing an almost certain fire hazard if I wrangle together enough three prong converters and extension cords to meet my outlet needs. And truly, my outlet needs are not that vast. I just need a power strip somewhere, just one.

The guy I mentioned in my last post did come over on Saturday and stayed all day and well into the evening helping me get things done. He didn’t stay over but he did stay…long enough.

I’m still not sure that he likes me though. He tells me that he does and certainly Saturday provided enough contact that I think we were both pretty relaxed and comfortable, but still I have this feeling that something’s not right. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s like…I don’ t know…I irritate him? He’s just tolerating me because he has to? Again, that he’s just performing to get to the end of the date? I don’t know. It seems so weird in the face of him repeatedly telling me that he likes me and getting naked with me and all, but I still keep getting that feeling.

We were both busy yesterday so we didn’t have a chance to talk for more than a few minutes, but the next time we talk I’m going to bring it up. Assuming that he’s going to continue to proclaim his attachment to me, I’d like to at least hear what he has to say in the face of my feelings about things.

As to how I feel about him, I’m still not sure about that either. He’s a nice guy but not my usual type…although that right there is probably a good indicator that I should give him a chance since my usual type often turn out to be amazing assholes. I was talking to a friend yesterday and told her that I don’t want him to be my boyfriend but when I said it I realized that I don’t really want anyone to be my boy/girlfriend. I kind of just want to have a nice assortment of friends and a nice assortment of people I sleep with and maybe some overlap and that’s all.

But it could be my mood. I feel too lacking of energy to think of anything so encumbering as a serious romantic involvement.

I’m not feeing much motivation to work today. I keep obsessively checking my email to see if there are new simple tasks I can accomplish quickly and easily so that it will look like I’m working hard even though I’m really just checking my holiday gift list to make sure that I covered everyone I need to and reading blogs.

Today begins the weekend where my boys will be staying with their daycare provider. I feel excited but also anxious and a little sad. My one year old has never been away from me for so long, and while my four year old used to disappear to their dad’s for a week at a time, he’s never been away for so long with anyone else. I told my daycare provider that I didn’t know if I’d last the entire weekend, but given how much work I need to accomplish I figure that, if anything, I’ll just pick them up earlier than planned on Sunday.

I do wish I had more fun stuff planned to take advantage of my brief freedom. This guy I’m semi-seeing is coming over on Saturday to help me do the things that would be easier with two people (hang art, mount shelves etc.) and I’m thinking we’ll hang out after and I’m thinking that he’s thinking he’ll stay over. I’m not entirely opposed to that but I’m also not entirely in favor of it, so we’ll see. At the very least it means I should shave my legs, and that is something I am fairly opposed to.

This is the guy I blogged about a while back, with whom I felt chemistry was lacking but to whom I keep saying yes because he’s so enthusiastic about me. He’s certainly winning me over (first he stayed up all night talking with me online when I had that terrible toothache and checked in with me over the rest of the weekend, and now he’s being so generous to offer me his weekend to help with whatever I need with regard to moving) but there’s something…I don’t know. So far I feel like he’s performing on our dates, the way some guys do when they’re not interested but are going through the motions anyway just to get to the end of the date, but this guy claims to be really interested. I figure that spending time with him in this entirely boring domestic manner will challenge his performance and hopefully give me more information. It could be that he’s just trying to get laid (although he’s being amazingly patient about it if that’s the case), and if that is the case, well, I guess we’ll probably see soon enough. I’d be annoyed to discover that was his only intention was to get me naked (especially since he has stated vehemently to the contrary) but it’s not like he’d be stealing my precious virginity so I think I’ll be okay. And if he’s relatively decent in bed then hey, good for me, and if not then hey, good for my blog.

I’m also going to have lunch with my old boss, but there isn’t as much to say about that. And I’m debating going out for drinks with coworkers after work today. I’d like to go (even though I really should get home and continue packing and transporting) but it’s a regular group that goes and while I’m sure I’d be welcomed (they are the popular kids but they see me as someone on their side — we dislike all the same people) I feel shy about inserting myself into their group. We’ll see.

Yesterday I finally signed the lease for our new place and we were finally able to move in a carload of awkward items (the logical choices of area rugs, our globe, our grill and starter chimney, and my one year old’s rocking moose). The neighbors have a dog (great) that barks (great), which immediately terrified my one year old (who already has a great deal of dog trauma thanks to my dad’s dog) who then refused to let me put him down the entire time I was unloading the car. That was great fun.

We also brought over all of our laundry since I’ve been holding out in anticipating of the “free” laundry room, but it turns out that the dryer doesn’t dry. So it’s a skirt and boots to work today since all my jeans are wet, wet, wet.

Overall, the place is…less nice…than I thought. When I rushed through during my initial visit I was blinded by wood floors and all the cosmetic touching up. Yesterday I got to see much more clearly what the place was all about — doors that have been painted so many times they don’t close, cupboard interiors that are grimy with layers and layers of yellowed, peeling shelf liners, linoleum starting to peel and buckle in kitchen corners, etc. Once the place was carpeted, but when they removed the carpet to refinish the floors they didn’t remove the carpet tack strips or lower the trim so it looks awkward, like high water pants. And while it has more overall storage space than my current place, it has less usable storage space (cabinets that are within reach without a ladder, interior closets, etc — most of the storage space is in the garage).

It sounds like I’m complaining and I guess I am. But I’m also tired and sick with a cold and concerned about getting anything done in a remotely timely manner, especially before the movers come Saturday morning, so it’s not causing me to look at things in a very cheery light. Things that did make me happy included how beautiful my area rugs looked against the floors, how there’s a front porch that I didn’t even notice the first time around, how nice it was to do laundry in the house (even if I didn’t get to finish it).

It’ll all be fine I’m sure. A little buyer’s (or lessee’s) remorse is par for the course, right?

On Sunday nights I often have this desire to write a sort of weekend recap. Normally, I would just write it without hesitation, boring details of my life that no one cares about be damned. But after NaBloPoMo I feel kind of self-conscious about writing boring posts…because to be honest, I fear I might not write anything else…but I feel particularly conscious of writing posts that can’t possibly be anything but. Do you really care about the foods I cooked and the errands I ran during the past two days?

No, probably you don’t. And am I not going to write this post in order to save you from three minutes of boredom? No, I am not. Not not, that is. Not not going to write the post.

So anyway, What I Did Over My Weekend.

Well, the most extremely exciting news is that the computer I built is working. I was awaiting a cable but avoiding ordering it until I moved to my new place so that I was ensured of getting the correct length, but then came across exactly the cable I needed while packing. I plugged it in, pressed the power button, and voila, the appropriate series of screens appeared on my tv and I shouted with joy and proceeded to do a happy dance, much to the amusement of my children. Now I move on to the operating system…and actually, I suppose I should be downloading it at this very moment. Why I didn’t do it weeks ago, I have no idea.

I also got rid of the last bit of excess I’m shedding before the move, this time to the kids’ consignment shop I frequent (first was Goodwill, then selling furniture on craigslist, and finally this). We brought all the toys we cleaned out of boys’ room (six grocery bags plus several larger items), as well as two bags of items they have recently grown out of. I also got rid of my sling and breast pump, although I fear the breast pump was premature even if I haven’t used it in well over a year.

I love going to the consignment shop. The boys play with all the toys in the back while I browse the dollar rack and the books. Today I spent $20 (of consignment credit — I never spend real money there) and got two books, a pair of purple rain boots for my four year old, a pair of pants for his infernally growing legs, and a toy for each of the boys. I like that I can let them each pick something and that it never costs more than $5. Today my one year old picked out a fire truck and a race car and my four year old chose one of those balls with a handle that one sits on and bounces up and down the store/sidewalk/hallway/living room. I have long admired those at the store but couldn’t justify the $30 price tag. $5 is much more reasonable…even if it has a big picture of Barbie on it.

Now I’m making cassoulet. One goal I’m setting for myself is to make a pot of soup every Sunday so that I can have a cheap and filling lunch for most of the week. My biggest budget killer is buying lunch but at the same time, I have to do something when I’m hungry. Soup is easy, usually makes quite a bit, and beans are cheap and filling. Next week I’m hoping to find a good lentil recipe, perhaps with sausage.

And speaking of goals, tomorrow I also plan to begin the couch to 5k running program. I’ve wanted to do it for years and years but it was only last week that I had the amazing realization that, hey, I can do it using my elliptical trainer! Since my biggest obstacle has been finding the time and motivation to wrangle my children to some convenient running location, simply replacing my morning workout with a morning “run” should be perfect. I am excited. God knows if I’ll do it and god knows even less about whether I’ll finish it, but I’m pretty sure I can run for 60 seconds and walk for 90, and that’s where we start.

The biggest disappointment of my weekend was not signing the lease for my new place. I was supposed to sign on Saturday but the owner called to tell me that they discovered the need to do further work on the bathroom and aren’t quite ready for me to move in. It’s not a bad thing because every day I don’t move in is more money I save, but I had planned on taking carloads of bulky items over every day this week so that only furniture and boxes of books would remain when the movers come on Saturday. Not having the opportunity to move items yesterday and today and tomorrow and probably the next day seriously impedes that plan. But oh well, it’ll surely work out one way or another.

When my boys’ dad and I were still together I used to dread visits from his mom. It seemed like such a hassle and more than anything, it made my ex so tense and worked up that an already awkward situation became much worse. Plus we were living in her house, so visits felt like she was checking up on us and that maybe we were the actual interlopers in the situation (or so we interpreted).

Now that he and I are not together, the job of attending to the visiting desires of Grandma falls on me and I must say, I really don’t mind at all. Part of it is not living in her house, so I don’t feel like I’m on her turf and am subject to her rule or whatever, but also I think it’s the Good Daughter in me. I recognize that it makes her happy to see her grandsons, that it makes her happy to spend time with us, that family is important to her, that I can provide the kind of relationship I’m sure she wishes she had with her son. Plus, my boys love it too. They get to spend time with this woman who makes a big fuss over them and takes them fun places.

Sure, I can’t deny that it’s a bit awkward and that there aren’t other ways I might ideally spend my time, but I guess I was just raised with this expectation that family is a necessary evil and I’ve found in my own life that really, beneath it all (in most cases at least), it’s not all that evil. Even if I still lived in her house, I’d welcome her every time she mentioned visiting and would make sure she could hear the happiness in my voice when I talked of her plans to visit again. It’s just what you do.

She just called me tonight to ask if she and her boyfriend could come and visit us over xmas and if we’d put them up for several days. She was so excited about the thought of spending xmas with the boys and I figure, what the hell, I’ve always dreamed of big family holidays, right? Indeed, with me and the boys, my dad, my brother and my brother’s girlfriend, and now my boys’ grandma and her boyfriend, it will be a pretty full house. I’m not even sure I have that many plates. I certainly don’t have that much silverware.

But if nothing else, I can go to the grocery by myself. I can cook in the kitchen without small bodies hanging off me. My burden of providing a tree skirt fill of presents will be lessened. We will likely eat out a lot. And if nothing else, it’s a change of pace, a change of scenery, and a chance for my boys to have extra fun.