Archive for January, 2008

Meme Me

Wednesday, January 30th, 2008

Tagged!! (and it only took me so long because I couldn’t come up with eight books I’ve read recently and I felt embarrassed).

8 things I am passionate about:
Sculpture
Technology
Social Justice
Education
My one year old
My four year old
Writing
Learning

8 Things I want to do before I die:
Learn to play a musical instrument
Write a novel
Be published (not necessarily the novel…let’s be realistic now)
Learn a second language
Travel outside of North America (and Hawaii doesn’t count)
Fall in love again
Watch my kids grow up
Get really old

8 Things I say often:
“Jeez.”
“Hmm…”
“I see that you are so angry with me right now!”
“@%#$#@%^&#$@*%!!!!!”
“Is there a deadline on this?”
“If you get up now you can have cereal for breakfast, otherwise you’ll only get a banana.”
“Hang up your coats!”
“Did you flush?”

8 books I have read recently:
Prime Poppy Z. Brite
Learning to Drive Katha Pollitt
Database Design for Mere Mortals
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian Sherman Alexie
Liquor by Poppy Z. Brite
Programming PHP (Does opening the book and staring fearfully at the pages count as reading?)
PHP 101: PHP For the Absolute Beginner (Eh, so it’s a tutorial. Sue me. Trust me, I’m reading it with all my might.)

8 songs I could listen to over and over again:
My usual method is to listen to songs over and over again but eventually my love for any song wanes, at least for a while. I’m not currently having a love affair with any particular songs, but eight that I’ve loved in the past include:
“Virtue” by Ani Difranco
“Fool” by Cat Power
“Are You Out There” by Dar Williams
“Tear in Your Hand” by Tori Amos
“Dying” by Hole
“Three County Highway” by Indigo Girls
“Ellen D.” by The Butchies
“Casimir Pulaski Day” by Sufjan Stevens
(Damn, I have to stop already?)

8 Things that attract me to my best friends
Good sense of humor
Good use of sarcasm
Wittiness
Intelligence
Loyalty
Open-mindedness
Attitude about life
Kindness

8 people who should totally do this meme
Barbara (she won’t do it, she has a new baby, but I’ll hassle her anyway)
Nikoline
Deirdre
Rese (she doesn’t have a blog but she was so excited about this meme that I promised to add her to the list)
Kristina
Selzach
Lucia
Jane

Flying High

Tuesday, January 29th, 2008

As you might imagine, I am gently bumping against the ceiling this evening. I just cannot believe I got this job. And on top of it I got to listen to my boss tell me how smart I am, how impressed he is with my work, and how he knows he’s making a good choice because I’ve earned the respect of so many people at my agency, in fact he’s never heard anything bad from anyone about me, in fact, quite the opposite.

That made me feel much better about accepting the job. When he first called me into his office and asked if I was still interested in the position, my immediate thought was, “Oh god, everyone else backed out, didn’t they?!? You’re only offering it to me because there’s no one else!!!” But no, they actually chose me over the other applicants.

I am so amazed by this change of events. A few months ago I was anxiously starting my first IT position, and now I’m going to be in charge of overseeing development and maintenance of our massive database, one that supports and documents all the work done in our large social service agency, one that we are piloting with other similar agencies, one that we are planning to release to the public soon.

This is such a huge and unexpected career boost for me. And best of all, I have so much to learn and there’s so much to do that I’ll be content in this position for a long time. Plus, the pay is enough to actually live on in my expensive city. I don’t have grand financial requirements, I just want to be bringing in more than goes right back out, even if just a little bit. This position will allow that to finally happen.

I cannot stop grinning. I am so damned excited.

I told myself that good things to those who take chances, I told myself over and over in order to convince myself that I was being brave instead of just crazy, but damn, I really wasn’t expecting such insanely cool results.

I got it.

Tuesday, January 29th, 2008

I got the job.

I fucking got the job.

I fucking got the job.

I am so excited and yet so fucking terrified.

I may vomit.

Giving it Up

Monday, January 28th, 2008

The guy came over Friday night to hang out. Usually Saturday is our day but his son is with his mom this Saturday so we went for Friday instead.

I actually wasn’t sure that I was going to invite him over at all. Last week was rough and I’ve been finding myself intensely irritable and exhausted in the evenings, but he promised video games and tater tots and the thought of vegging out to video games sounded just about perfect so I gave in. I actually gave in and then changed my mind and then changed my mind again and then changed my mind again, which seems to be the pattern I’m developing with this guy.

Every time I’ve decided once and for all that no, he and I cannot get involved and that I really don’t want anything more than friendship from him, I hang out with him and he changes my mind, and last night was no exception. He walked in the door and was funny and engaging and had me laughing within minutes and that set the tone for the whole evening.

I thought he might try to kiss me at some point (even though we are officially “just friends”) and I spent many moments pondering whether I should allow such an occurrence and by the end of the evening I was just wishing he’d do it and get it over with so that I could stop obsessing about it, and sure enough he did. Based on what I’ve learned about him thus far, I was pretty sure he’d try to take things farther, and he did, and I let him. It was kind of funny, at least in my head, because every time he would push the boundaries I’d think, hmm, am I okay with this? Let’s check….yes, I seem to be okay with it…but this is where I draw the line. Pretty soon there were…uh…no more lines to draw and I could only think, oh…okay…well…guess that’s that.

I spent the rest of the weekend freaking out a little, but in a different way than my usual freaking out. I have no idea how I make myself sound here on my blog, but I don’t easily do this sort of thing with new people. Much processing must be done before the event, much processing must be done after, and even then the whole experience is fraught with anxiety (that I mostly manage to keep pretty well hidden, at least from the other participating party). I envy women who so easily put out whenever they want to and early on in dating because my god, that is so not me. Really, it’s kind of amazing that I ever manage to get myself laid considering the massive work up that needs to happen before hand.

None of that work up has happened with this guy. I’ve been so focused on whether or not I should be friends or more than friends that I never even got the part where I started obsessing about whether or not I should have sex with him. And none of the post-event processing happened either, because my one year old woke and it took forever to get him back to sleep and by that time it was so late that he had to leave so that he’d be able to safely drive his son to his mom’s in the morning. And so I’m freaking out because how could that happen without him knowing about all my issues and concerns and rules and policies?? (And let me ask, is there anything sexier than making someone listen to your issues and concerns and rules and policies before allowing them to fuck you?)

I also feel scared. Friday night’s events and how things were after and how I felt this weekend (in particular, waking up with a big ‘ol grin on my face and feeling like the sun was shining down on me even though it was overcast and raining) suggest to me that, hmm, maybe we are going to be more than friends after all. And that’s fine with me, it makes me feel really happy even, but it’s also freaking my shit out.

Drawing a Blank

Thursday, January 24th, 2008

I guess I should also blog about my art class from Tuesday.

Like any class, it was exciting to go, but nerve wracking to carry in all the supplies because, of course, I feared that everyone else either received the memo that all we needed for the first class was one sheet of paper and one pencil while I’m lugging in huge sketch pad and huge drawing board and tool box full of crap, or everyone else was more experienced in the taking of art classes and would know that on the first day you only show up with one sheet of paper and one pencil (while I, again, lug in huge sketch pad and huge drawing board and tool box full of crap, revealing my inexperience in the matters of drawing classes to all). But no, everyone lugged in all their crap so it was fine.

Then it was exciting to get to draw but nerve wracking in that the instructor was truly teaching us how to draw instead of just putting out a bowl of fruit and telling us to go at it, and while I can handle the bowl of fruit just fine, I am not experienced in matters of determining plumb lines and boxing out shapes according to some scale of reference. These are things that I sort of do when I draw, but not specifically as such, and it’s hard to break my drawing down to that level. It’s good, great even because having concrete methods for doing what I do instinctively will only improve my drawing, but it’s stressful to go through processes that I’m not good at and have my drawings kind of suck as a result. At first, when I saw that everyone else’s drawings were good and mine sucked, I wanted to run away and quit immediately and I casually hid my drawing beneath my drawing hand every time the instructor came around. But then I noticed that actually everyone’s drawings were kind of sucky and mine wasn’t too bad as far as sucking was concerned, so then I felt better.

I wouldn’t have quit though, even if I wanted to. I learn (and learn and learn) how shitty I feel when I quit something and how happy I feel when I don’t, so I have done a decent job of training myself to grit my teeth and bear the intense anxiety that comes with pushing past one’s comfort zone. Kristina recently blogged about not wanting to leave the house to do stuff but being glad when she does and that’s how I feel too, but even though that’s how I feel, I never let myself even consider not doing things anymore because I also know how annoyed with myself and disappointed and guilty I feel when I cancel plans or don’t show up for something (okay, I do let myself consider it, I just don’t let myself do it). And when I’ve paid a large sum of money my feelings are only magnified. So regardless of how I feel, I will keep going, I will keep drawing, if need be I will keep hiding my drawing under my hand, and I will complete the damned class.

I should also mention that the instructor is incredibly, incredibly attractive. By far one of the most attractive men I’ve seen in a long time. I have to focus on paying attention because otherwise I will just gaze at him while a puddle of drool slowly forms on the table in front of me.

Three of Five

Thursday, January 24th, 2008

It’s my insomnia witching hour and rather than lay in bed and watch my brain race around madly, I thought I might get up instead and blog about my latest school tour.

This time I toured Fancy Language School and wow, I was impressed.

If you don’t recall (and don’t feel inspired to click the link), this is a traditional K-5 elementary school with one exception, the fact that it’s also an bilingual immersion school that requires students to spend half the day studying in either Japanese or Spanish. It’s a relatively new program (six years old I believe) in a gorgeous new building. They’ve won tons of awards for their program and it’s currently one of the most sought after elementary schools in our school district.

From the moment I stepped in the door I could tell this was a different kind of school than the others I’ve visited. Before I stepped in the door really, because of all the schools I’ve visited, theirs is the only school with a really nice, really informative website. Most schools’ websites are honestly just about one step above embarrassing and look like they were designed by some parent who was working through a Geocities tutorial and was excited to include some gaudy background and maybe even a song that plays loudly during your entire visit to the site.

The presentation and tour at the school was incredible organized, their materials were very professional. It’s clear that they are drawing on much vaster resources than other schools and indeed, the principal talked about the enormous support they enjoy from the business community (and further indeed, the school was created after polling 150 leaders from international businesses sited in our city about what an international education should look like).

The school prides themselves on providing an “international” education and there was no question that they, at the very least, strove to provide exposure to a wide range of cultures. They focus on one continent a year and shape learning around the cultures on that continent, so that by the end of elementary school, the student has been exposed to the whole world, and they incorporate information from those cultures into every area of study.

But of course, the huge draw to the school is the fact that kids graduate fifth grade bilingual, and let me tell you, it was pretty fucking amazing to walk into a kindergarten classroom where no English was spoken and watch kids, who, until a few months prior, had never been exposed to the language, responding to the teacher’s questions and getting the answers right.

In the early grades they teach math and science in the second language and literacy and social studies in English because they found that math and science were so hands on that it led to a quicker grasp of the language for the students. The principal talked at length about how this program has challenged the teachers to thoroughly examine and entirely reframe the way they teach and he felt that, without a doubt, the teachers at the school were the hardest working in the district.

The school was so impressive. Everything about it was so polished and so thought out. This is definitely a school that enjoys enormous support and has made the best of that support.

If there was even the remotest chance that we’d get in, I would be struggling about whether to put this school as my first choice on our enrollment application. However, there is no chance of that happening because this school allows students in based on distance from the school. They have 50 spots and usually about 150 applicants (who’ve chosen this as their top school). One parent on the tour with me commented that she was afraid they lived too far away. The parent-leader who was taking us to classrooms reassured her by saying, “Well last year we did have one little boy who lived as far away as 52nd Street get in!” The school is on 42nd. And we live on 113th.

It’s a relief that I don’t have to count this school in the running because it would be an immensely hard decision. This school would provide my son with amazing opportunities and connections that would probably benefit him his whole life. But at the same time, it’s a traditional elementary school. As a rule, they give kids ten minutes of homework per grade level, even if it’s just a busywork math worksheet. They take four to five field trips per year. They teach “empathy” and “tolerance” instead of any kind of real understanding of social justice issues and feel content that their international education provides enough exposure to other cultures that their kids will somehow escape the racism, intolerance to difference and xenophobia that’s built into our culture.

If I had to make this choice, I’d be choosing between the school that is set up to help kids “succeed” by traditional definitions of success (regardless of whether they actually enjoy the experience or get to pursue their own interests or develop a love of learning in an environment where their natural curiosity is allowed to thrive), as opposed to a school where curiosity is valued and learning is incorporated into every aspect of life though non-traditional means, but one that, while being theoretically sound, might not lead to “success” in real life. I’d like to think that the latter school would provide greater overall happiness, but some people might feel that happiness is more closely tied to traditional definitions of success than I do. And I don’t know, they might be right. The path I want to take is the one less chosen, the one that’s more experimental, and as a result, certainly the one with more potential risk.

If nothing else, I now have a lot of questions to which I want answers with regards to my top choice school, the alternative hippy school about which I last posted. I need some concrete answers about classroom pedagogy, about how kids are challenged, about how communications lines are maintained with parents who work and are likely to be unable to either drop off or pick up their kids from school, about how learning opportunities are made available to students, especially younger ones. And I want to talk to some parents. I want my sons to have the opportunity to direct their own learning and I want them to never question that learning does not belong in little boxes, that learning is a natural part of living, but I also want them to be challenged to excel and to have their educational needs attended to in a proactive manner.

And the waiting begins.

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008

Well, they didn’t offer me the job on the spot. But I think I did the best I could in my interview. It wasn’t perfect. I think there were a few times I didn’t get to the point soon enough (did they really need to know about my buying a Commodore 64 so that I could frequent the local BBSs in high school?) and there were several times I made jokes that did not garner the laughs they would have outside the interview…and in fact did not garner any laughs at all…and you’d think I might have learned after the first two or three to keep my mouth shut when I felt a joke coming on, but no.

When I first left the interview I was high on the adrenaline and thinking to myself, “How could they not hire me?!?! Look at my passion! Look at my verve!! Look at my moxy!!!” Now the adrenaline has faded and I’m thinking, “How could they possibly hire me?!?! I know nothing! I know less than nothing!! I’m amazed they didn’t laugh me out of the conference room!!!”

Either way, I’m glad it’s over. Maybe they’ll offer it to me, maybe not, but either way I’ll be okay. And if nothing else, I took a chance and feel proud of myself for doing that.

Art, Money, Soup, It’s all Good

Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008

I skipped this morning’s school tour in favor of running approximately one million errands, including buying supplies for my drawing class (which I did not get to purchase yesterday because the store from which I planned to purchase them was closed). This drawing class is eight weeks and cost me $115. Supplies ran me another $45 and I’ll have to pay $30 for babysitting each night. Let’s not calculate the total because it’s just too depressing.

However, I did get to buy both a drawing board (ooh, never had one of those before), and a whole bunch of charcoals (among other things), and I had a $10 off coupon for a local hardware store so I got myself a tool box to hold all my art-related loot for free. And a lengthy list of loot it is.

In other semi-money-related news, last night I was browsing the website of a local community college (the one through which I am taking my drawing class) and I came across an online program that takes 200 hours to complete, costs $2k and, had I managed to complete it before my interview at 4pm tomorrow, would have prepared me well for this job I’d like to get but am likely to not. I always squint my eyes suspiciously at these types of technical online “certification” programs because I always think that they probably do a decent job of covering the basics, but don’t actually provide enough information to allow one to use said information to get an actual job. However, I just happen to be in a position where I could immediately implement any skills I learned, thus making such a program much more relevant.

Obviously my pursuing a program like this is going to make no difference toward my interview tomorrow but assuming I don’t get the job, it might give me the basic skills that I could then put to use in my current position (technically it would involve stretching the edges of my job description but I’m betting my boss would be okay with that as long as I continue to get my work done) and I could end up with a much more impressive resume when I eventually leave.

I don’t know. On the one hand, I really like the idea of completing a quantifiable program that will provide me with knowledge I can (hopefully!) apply directly to my job. I worry about where I will go after this, with my big beefy SQL popeye arm and my otherwise puny, puny frame, and my hope would be that gaining this knowledge would balance things out a little. And considering that my degree is definitely not in anything technology related, mightn’t it be better to have some sort of edumacation related to technology? But on the other hand, I don’t have $2k to be just tossing around and maybe the information provided in a program like this would be nothing more than what I could obtain by checking out an assortment of beginner books on the various subjects covered by the program.

Maybe tomorrow, after my boss officially lets me down easy, I’ll talk to him about the options available to me and how to best expand my skills in his professional opinion.

In other news, I made chicken and corn chowder last night and I’m pretty sure this is my best soup yet. This time I didn’t consult any recipes at all, just used what I’ve learned about soup making thus far and it turned out perfect. Well…that’s not entirely true. I used half and half and didn’t connect the fact that you don’t boil cream because it breaks and half and half is, of course, half cream, so I boiled the half and half and, of course, it broke. Not a terribly big deal, it still tastes perfect, it just isn’t as pretty as it might otherwise be.

I am drawing a blank for next week’s soup. Usually I have something in mind that grows into something soupable by Sunday, but this week I’ve got nothin’. I was thinking I’d try to replicate this soup that my grandfather used to make when I was little that I always thought was just about the best soup ever (he died when I was 5, so I have no idea how it would stand up to my adult taste buds), but my dad told me that it consisted of nothing more than hamhocks, navy beans, onions and water and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Weekend Recap, Studying Edition

Monday, January 21st, 2008

I studied my ass off from the moment I finished my post on Friday to the moment I set foot into my cubicle this morning.

Yeah, that’s a lie.

On Friday night I went grocery shopping and then talked to many people about my impending interview, some of whom were helpful, some of whom were just really damned annoying.

On Saturday morning I went back to the grocery store to get the items I forgot on Friday and then dropped $140 at Barnes and Noble for three books (I am reading them super carefully and hope to return them). Afterwards, I journeyed to a model train show and a dinner of pizza with my boys and the guy. It was such a nice day. About half way through the train show we split up and he took the four year olds off for some wild four year old adventures while I played with my one year old in the special tot area. It was so nice to have special time with my one year old. Every Saturday the five of us have been doing something fun and it’s amazing to me how this shapes the rest of our week, how improved are my boys’ moods, how much more patient I am with them, how much more relaxed we are in general. It’s amazing how just having one day a week of another grown up to help wrangle the herd can make such a difference. I was telling my dad last night that I feared that if I did get seriously involved with him it would be primarily because of his mitigating presence and the break it gives me. My dad was quiet for a minute and then told me he didn’t think that was too terrible of a reason.

I am such a better parent even when I get just a little break. And it’s not even a break since my kids are still there, it’s just…I don’t know…a few moments of not having to be the be all and end all.

Yesterday I did study all day…or most of the day anyway…database design in the morning and afternoon, and PHP in the evening. I took breaks to make dinner, to give my boys a bath, and to talk astronomy with my four year old (and put together his solar system puzzle and look up some websites that allowed us to compare the sizes of planets). I’ve been making a concerted effort to get all my errands and chores and whatnot done during the week so that the weekends are purely for fun and relaxation and even though I did need to study, it was so nice to not be dragging the boys to a million different stores and to be able to spend time just playing and being silly with them.

My plan for today is to work (no holiday for those for those of us going to Hawaii in a few weeks), leave a little early to go drool over buy some art supplies in preparation for my drawing class that starts tomorrow night, and then tackle more PHP tonight (as well as making soup since I didn’t manage it yesterday — chicken and corn chowder this week). The studying is completely fascinating and makes me realize that even if I don’t get this job (and really, I am very unlikely to get it), I at least need to continue expanding my skills and learning about this stuff because I certainly would like this type of job at some point, preferably sooner than later.

Unexpected in January

Friday, January 18th, 2008

So way back when I started this job, our database administrator gave his notice. This was a pretty big deal as he was sort of the one who holds our department together (in terms of being the main knowledge repository — he did, after all, design and build our massive database). We’ve been trying to hire for the position ever since, but we are a nonprofit and aren’t offering much money (a laughable amount of money, I was informed by techies in the know), and aren’t offering much money in a city where techies are generally offered quite a bit of money. So the pickings have been mighty slim. Which is why the position is still vacant.

After a couple months of watching the position be vacant and feeling annoyed that the guy in the position hadn’t waited another year to give notice, at a time when I might have been more qualified to apply for the job myself, I decided, what the hell, I’m just going to apply anyway. My campaign slogan was, “If you’re going to be unhappy with your choice, why not be unhappy with me?!?!”

Ha ha.

Yes, I decided to apply for a job I am almost entirely not qualified for.

What I kept telling myself was that you don’t get things if you don’t take chances and I should take more chances and considering the crappiness of the other applicants, maybe there was some possible slight chance that I might get it, and damn I’d sure be pissed to miss that opportunity because I was afraid of looking stupid.

So I pulled my guts together, wrote up a little presentation that I awkwardly stumbled through in front of my boss, watched him look uncomfortable and tell me that if I want to be considered I should apply with a resume and cover letter like everyone else, and then berated myself for being so stupid as to think I could be considered for a job I’m so unqualified for for the rest of the day week month. I did apply though, I wrote a very nice cover letter that did a good job of emphasizing my skills (because I actually do have a lot of knowledge that makes me a unique applicant for the position — just not the technical knowledge), acknowledging where I’m lacking (and the fact that I could start making up for it right this very second, unlike other applicants who likely won’t be able to start right away), and was upfront about my passion for the work. But I still felt incredibly stupid about applying and I worried that my boss thought that I thought that I was qualified for the position and was secretly rolling his eyes at my overblown estimation of my technical skills.

Eventually I got over my worries and the awkwardness in my department faded and I figured that at least it was good that I took a chance, that I did it and lived through it, and if nothing else, at least my boss knows what I want and how serious I am about getting it.

This afternoon he called me into his office to tell me that they were interviewing three more people and were then going to make a final decision, which I figured was his way of saying, soon I’ll officially tell you you didn’t get it and then we can all move beyond this awkwardness that still exists exists every time the subject comes up and we both try to avoid each other’s eyes. Imagine my complete shock when he finished by saying, “And we’d like you to be one of those three interviewees.”

Immediately my suspicions were raised but he assured me that it was not a courtesy interview, that I am seriously being considered. Now I am simultaneously thrilled and terrified and need to spend every day until Wednesday reading books on database design and management and clawing my way through PHP tutorials. God I would be so fucking excited to get this job. Completely aside from the fact that it pays $10k a year more than I make, I would learn so much and I would be in a position where I could be content for several years. Money has so often been a job motivator for me, but not with the job I have now (if you recall, I took a pay cut to get here), and not with this other job either. Goddamn I would be so excited!!!

I am trying very hard to remain realistic and not get my hopes up.