Drama
Last night I was up until 1am having drama with this guy I’m seeing.
Jeez.
You’d think the drama could wait a bit, like maybe until our second date, but no.
The drama is that I feel things are moving too fast. I know, I know, how can things be moving to fast when we’ve seen each other in person exactly two times? Well, two in-person meetings or not, our conversations make it sound like we have been dating for months and his plans for the future make us sound like he’s already bought the ring. So as far as I’m concerned, things are definitely moving too fast.
This is a very common feeling for me when getting involved with someone, especially someone who is insane enough to show visible signs of actually liking me. This has become an even more common feeling during this time that I’ve been single because I’ve come to feel so protective of my own time and space. This new guy really likes me and he really wants to see me, preferably as often as possible. I really like him too but the more he tries to wrap his arms around me in a great big bear hug, the more I try to desperately squirm away.
The let’s-take-things-slower-because-you’re-freaking-me-out conversation (couched in gentler terms of course) is one I’ve had plenty of times and it never goes over well. At best, I expect pouting and hurt feelings, at worst I get defensiveness and a complete turnaround in the conversation where it becomes all about the other person and I have to go to great lengths to soothe bruised egos. This guy gave me the former response, except that to my face he gave me the grown up, rational response (”that’s cool, I understand, take your time, I’ll be here when you’re ready”). It was only while talking to a mutual friend that I learned he was upset.
I don’t blame him for being upset, his response is exactly the response I would have (and give) if the situation was reversed (except that I never reveal the extent of my feelings until the other person does so, precisely to avoid finding myself in situations like this), but still, thus began the drama of me trying to explain that I’m not rejecting him, I just need space, I just need time, I have extremely little time for myself that involves no children so there’s no way in hell I’m giving that all to him, I no longer trust my character judgment after how things with my boys’ dad turned out so I need to get to know him much better first, I do like him, if I didn’t I would just run away instead of trying to have this stressful conversation with him, etc. His response was to put his cards on the table by telling me exactly how much he likes me (really, really, really a lot) and what he hopes for for us (gah!), which only made me want to run away all the further. (Note: if someone tells you your bear hug is too tight, don’t say, “that’s cool” and then squeeze all the harder).
Despite the stressful (and largely annoying) conversation, I do feel proud of myself. I had previously canceled my babysitter for tonight and asked if she could do Wednesday instead so that I could go out with this guy instead of attending my writing group, knowing that I couldn’t have babysitting two nights in a row (can’t afford it, don’t want to be away from my boys two nights in a row, probably my babysitter wouldn’t be available anyway). But the more I thought about it, the unhappier I felt with the decision because even though I was telling myself that it would just be this once, that I would otherwise prioritize my own life and interests over a date, I feared it wouldn’t be true and that I’d once again fall down that stupid rabbit hole of sacrificing my life for a relationship. When I realized that I just didn’t have to do it, I felt so much better and immediately emailed my babysitter to switch the plans back to the original that involved me attending my writing group (except that she’d already made plans so was no longer available — damn — but I’m still not going on the date) and that inspired a whole wide range of thinking about my feelings of discomfort with regards to this guy and my desires for my life and whether I’m making the best choices. I confirmed that I was not, thus the conversation, thus drama, but ultimately many happier feelings inside my own body.
It’s so helpful when the right choice is also the choice that feels best.