Drawing a Blank
I guess I should also blog about my art class from Tuesday.
Like any class, it was exciting to go, but nerve wracking to carry in all the supplies because, of course, I feared that everyone else either received the memo that all we needed for the first class was one sheet of paper and one pencil while I’m lugging in huge sketch pad and huge drawing board and tool box full of crap, or everyone else was more experienced in the taking of art classes and would know that on the first day you only show up with one sheet of paper and one pencil (while I, again, lug in huge sketch pad and huge drawing board and tool box full of crap, revealing my inexperience in the matters of drawing classes to all). But no, everyone lugged in all their crap so it was fine.
Then it was exciting to get to draw but nerve wracking in that the instructor was truly teaching us how to draw instead of just putting out a bowl of fruit and telling us to go at it, and while I can handle the bowl of fruit just fine, I am not experienced in matters of determining plumb lines and boxing out shapes according to some scale of reference. These are things that I sort of do when I draw, but not specifically as such, and it’s hard to break my drawing down to that level. It’s good, great even because having concrete methods for doing what I do instinctively will only improve my drawing, but it’s stressful to go through processes that I’m not good at and have my drawings kind of suck as a result. At first, when I saw that everyone else’s drawings were good and mine sucked, I wanted to run away and quit immediately and I casually hid my drawing beneath my drawing hand every time the instructor came around. But then I noticed that actually everyone’s drawings were kind of sucky and mine wasn’t too bad as far as sucking was concerned, so then I felt better.
I wouldn’t have quit though, even if I wanted to. I learn (and learn and learn) how shitty I feel when I quit something and how happy I feel when I don’t, so I have done a decent job of training myself to grit my teeth and bear the intense anxiety that comes with pushing past one’s comfort zone. Kristina recently blogged about not wanting to leave the house to do stuff but being glad when she does and that’s how I feel too, but even though that’s how I feel, I never let myself even consider not doing things anymore because I also know how annoyed with myself and disappointed and guilty I feel when I cancel plans or don’t show up for something (okay, I do let myself consider it, I just don’t let myself do it). And when I’ve paid a large sum of money my feelings are only magnified. So regardless of how I feel, I will keep going, I will keep drawing, if need be I will keep hiding my drawing under my hand, and I will complete the damned class.
I should also mention that the instructor is incredibly, incredibly attractive. By far one of the most attractive men I’ve seen in a long time. I have to focus on paying attention because otherwise I will just gaze at him while a puddle of drool slowly forms on the table in front of me.