Giving it Up
The guy came over Friday night to hang out. Usually Saturday is our day but his son is with his mom this Saturday so we went for Friday instead.
I actually wasn’t sure that I was going to invite him over at all. Last week was rough and I’ve been finding myself intensely irritable and exhausted in the evenings, but he promised video games and tater tots and the thought of vegging out to video games sounded just about perfect so I gave in. I actually gave in and then changed my mind and then changed my mind again and then changed my mind again, which seems to be the pattern I’m developing with this guy.
Every time I’ve decided once and for all that no, he and I cannot get involved and that I really don’t want anything more than friendship from him, I hang out with him and he changes my mind, and last night was no exception. He walked in the door and was funny and engaging and had me laughing within minutes and that set the tone for the whole evening.
I thought he might try to kiss me at some point (even though we are officially “just friends”) and I spent many moments pondering whether I should allow such an occurrence and by the end of the evening I was just wishing he’d do it and get it over with so that I could stop obsessing about it, and sure enough he did. Based on what I’ve learned about him thus far, I was pretty sure he’d try to take things farther, and he did, and I let him. It was kind of funny, at least in my head, because every time he would push the boundaries I’d think, hmm, am I okay with this? Let’s check….yes, I seem to be okay with it…but this is where I draw the line. Pretty soon there were…uh…no more lines to draw and I could only think, oh…okay…well…guess that’s that.
I spent the rest of the weekend freaking out a little, but in a different way than my usual freaking out. I have no idea how I make myself sound here on my blog, but I don’t easily do this sort of thing with new people. Much processing must be done before the event, much processing must be done after, and even then the whole experience is fraught with anxiety (that I mostly manage to keep pretty well hidden, at least from the other participating party). I envy women who so easily put out whenever they want to and early on in dating because my god, that is so not me. Really, it’s kind of amazing that I ever manage to get myself laid considering the massive work up that needs to happen before hand.
None of that work up has happened with this guy. I’ve been so focused on whether or not I should be friends or more than friends that I never even got the part where I started obsessing about whether or not I should have sex with him. And none of the post-event processing happened either, because my one year old woke and it took forever to get him back to sleep and by that time it was so late that he had to leave so that he’d be able to safely drive his son to his mom’s in the morning. And so I’m freaking out because how could that happen without him knowing about all my issues and concerns and rules and policies?? (And let me ask, is there anything sexier than making someone listen to your issues and concerns and rules and policies before allowing them to fuck you?)
I also feel scared. Friday night’s events and how things were after and how I felt this weekend (in particular, waking up with a big ‘ol grin on my face and feeling like the sun was shining down on me even though it was overcast and raining) suggest to me that, hmm, maybe we are going to be more than friends after all. And that’s fine with me, it makes me feel really happy even, but it’s also freaking my shit out.
January 28th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
I can relate. Another great post!