Two Years
Today my little boy turns two. When my five year old turned two, if I recall correctly, I believe I linked day by day to the lengthy, multi-day birth story I wrote up when he turned one (I started blogging when he was about five months old). I could do the same for my two year old, linking to (well, re-posting first) the lengthy multi-day birth story I wrote as his birth was happening, but to be honest, I don’t really want to relive that time. It happened, it was what it was, I made it through with a tiny little baby and now I’ve raised that tiny little baby into a big two year old. I remember when he was so little and how hard it was and how it seemed like such a dauntingly long time until it wouldn’t be hard anymore. And indeed, we aren’t there yet, but it gets better all the time and he gets bigger and more beautiful every day.
I wish I was in a better mood today. I’m still sick and with my sickness comes vast and all consuming irritation toward every person with whom I have to interact or with whom I’ve interacted in the past or even with whom I have to think about interacting. What I wanted to write about is all the amazing things my two year old does, and how funny he is, and how smart (much smarter, I can’t help but thinking, than his brother was at this point), but when I try to write about those things what comes out instead is how bad I feel about my parenting, how I wish I could give so much more, how I wish I had more time and attention and adoration for him, how clearly I can see what his brother got that he doesn’t have a chance in hell of receiving and how deeply, deeply sad it makes me. Sometimes from afar I think about those of you with two kids and two adults in your household and I think about what it would be like to have that extra help and support and kid-devoted-energy and an image comes to mind of a dad coming home and smiling to see his kids and maybe scooping them up and tickling them and it breaks my heart to think that my two year old has never known that and likely never will. It’s terrible to think that all the parental love he knows has come from me because oh god, I am so deficient. There is definitely not enough of me to meet the vast need for love that I see in my children, especially not if I have any hope of even kind of taking care of my own needs. I hate that this parental foundation all comes down to me because I am going to fail them. They will survive, certainly I am more than competent to ensure their physical survival (and thrival), but I feel that they, and in particular my little two year old who really has no one but me, definitely will not get all they need in their little hearts.
March 29th, 2008 at 11:17 am
No, he doesn’t have a two parent family but what he does have is a damn awesome, open-minded mama who encourages him to follow his heart. That in itself makes him one lucky little guy - and you are an awesome parent . What a terrific job you’re doing - raising two boys by yourself. No doubt that they will both be open-minded & independent thinkers with high respect for women.
March 29th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Happy Birthday to your littlest one!
Sarah, I’m so so sorry you feel this way. Being a single parent is just a nightmare (so my sister and countless friends also tell me) and I think you handle it with so much grace. You clearly give every last ounce to your boys, and care so deeply. They may not know what it is to have a supportive father, but they will surely know just how incredible their mother is, and just how lucky they are to have her.
March 31st, 2008 at 5:40 am
Happy birthday to E! I have never failed to be impressed by your strength and resilience in the past two years. Two-parent families are the idealized Rockwellian vision, but the human race would have died out if that were the only choice for children to be loved and to grow into happy adults.
March 31st, 2008 at 9:39 am
I’m seconding what Alaina and Lucia already said. You are a wonderful mama and full of love for your boys.
March 31st, 2008 at 10:05 am
I’ve found that when my husband is travelling, our kids get as much (if not more) attention because then I’m not paying attention to him. (To be fair, when I travelled for a week last summer, the same was true in reverse.)
So I’m guessing that your kids aren’t too deprived. (Not saying it’s easy for YOU!) In fact, it seems from where I’m looking that your kids are pretty blessed.