Sticks and Stars

It’s so crazy that I haven’t blogged about this whole school closure fight I’ve undertaken, especially considering how it has absolutely consumed my life. Although perhaps that’s why I haven’t blogged about it.

So the gist of it is that a few weeks ago our little community was shocked to read in the newspaper that our school was being considered for closure. This is not actually the first time this has happened. It seems that every few years our school district forgets about its commitment to alternative education options and decides that our school might be better off repurposed as a traditional elementary school or something and the community goes through the fight to keep the school one more time.

Many of the families that have been around for a while are tired of fighting but we newer families are absolutely energized to keep this program. And what’s more, we think we can keep it and market it so that this kind of thing doesn’t happen again. So our fight began.

Between meetings and emails and phone calls and letter writing, I’ve been pretty much obsessed and exhausted by this whole process. But at the same time it’s been so fucking amazing. There is nothing like a crisis to pull people together and as a result I have made connections with so many parents and feel so intimately involved with my son’s school.

The downside, though, is that I am constantly wired and am having a terrible time sleeping at night. Part of it is just thinking about what we need to do and what I need to do, but probably the biggest part of it is the stress of my deeply introverted soul suddenly interacting with all kinds of new and different people all day long for days and days on end. Let me tell you, it stresses my shit out to talk to someone new on the phone, or to send an email to an email list where I know lots of people are reading, or to go to a meeting and speak in front of people I don’t know. Any of those things are enough to stress me out for a good few days, just by themselves. And now I’m doing all of them, over and over, every day. It is draining me to my core.

But tonight was the board meeting that everything’s been moving toward and right before the board meeting we learned for sure that the board was recommending that our program be closed. A bunch of us carpooled from my house and the conversation on the way to the meeting was not cheery. I felt panicked, myself. This program is so amazing and my son loves it so much and there is nothing that compares in my school district, not even remotely. And at the same time I can no longer bear the thought of sending him to private school. We would NEVER fit in with the families at a private school (whereas 30% of the kids at his current school are kids of color, 45% live below the poverty line, and a whopping 50% come from single parent families) even if I could find a way to afford it. The thought of making him transition one more time just kills me. In the five short years of his life he’s lived in six different houses, three different cities, and has attended daycare/preschool/school in six different settings. I thought we were finally settled in for a while.

But then something crazy happened. We got to the board meeting all riled up and ready to fight and when we arrived we learned our school had been removed from consideration for repurposing as a traditional school. It still might be closed due to a budget shortfall this year, but the big pressure, the pressure of immense need for student space in our part of town, the pressure to give our school to those students, has been alleviated. And now that it looks like they really will close the other alternative program near ours, our case for remaining available as an option for families who want this kind of education is stronger than ever, I actually feel hope tonight, for the first time in days. I can hardly believe it.

I’ve been tagged!! (Oh how I love to be tagged!) I would have gotten to this far sooner if it weren’t for item 3. Item 3 is consuming my life. In a good way, but also in a very thorough way. But without further ado…

– Post at least five current addictions (with some details, please).
– Mention the person who started this meme (being brazen) and also the person who just tagged you (Nikoline).
– Type your post with the heading “current addictions.”
– Tag at least two people and pass on the above rules.

1. Getting Shit Done. I think maybe I was depressed over the summer. I have no idea why, and had you asked me over the summer if I was depressed I would have said no, I just didn’t have any energy, but really, I think I was depressed. It took every bit of energy I had to care for my home and family at a pretty minimal level and I would often think to myself that I could remember times when I could (and would) clean my whole house on a Saturday but now I seemed unable to clean my house at all, ever, and where the hell did that energy go and when would it come back and maybe it was gone forever?? But now, something has changed. I don’t know what, but suddenly I have all this energy. Suddenly I am rearranging rooms and cleaning and taking care of items on my to do list that have languished for such a long time I never expected to ever get them accomplished ever. And it’s been weeks, weeks that I’ve felt so full of energy! Let me tell you, having energy? A fucking GLORIOUS thing.

2. Web Stuff. I don’t know whether it’s my general love of technology and my excitement over the long term potential of the internet or just my general love of learning new things, but I sure do love all the stuff I’m learning about web technology. I mean really, I read reference books like they are novels. My daydreams are all about web development. It thrills me to no end that I am working on one website and am getting ready to work on another and am getting ready to start my JavaScript class. Not to even mention, of course, all the cool stuff I do every day at my job. I cannot get enough of this stuff!

3. My five year old’s school. Right now there is big time drama with regard to the potential that this little program might get shut down. Families are worried and there is much discussion on our email list and at various meetings. I feel like my life is pretty much entirely consumed by this as we strategize how to fight to keep our little program open. The energy is awesome and exciting, but it’s also keeping me buzz-buzz-buzzing to the point that I can’t sleep at night.

4. Men in kilts. Yum.

5. I’m only going to admit to this last one because I love you all and know that I can trust you with my terribly embarrassing secrets and I know that you won’t mock me or turn up your noses at my shame. Lately I find myself addicted to…I don’t even know the name for them, but have you seen these things that look like corndogs but are actually a breakfast sausage wrapped in pancake? I know, I know! The very description sounds horribly repulsive but my god, they are so good! I have no idea how they were even introduced to me, all I know is that I see them in the freezer section at the grocery store and I tell myself no, but then I get home and find them in my grocery bags. I am helpless against them.

So there you have it! I tag…hmm…ooh, so hard to limit it to two! How about Jane (who may well be giving birth as we speak for all I know), and Lucia (who has a ways to go yet).

I started poking around web stuff with regard to my son’s school site redesign and I’m feeling a little better about it. I also poked around lots of other school websites and got some pretty good ideas. I’m also reading a book called The Principles of Beautiful Web Design, which is helping me to iterate concepts that I only understood semi-consciously before. That doesn’t directly make me feel better about all of this, but does make me feel a little more confident about my ability to design something purty.

My big concern now is convincing the principal that the school needs the rather involved site I want to propose. When I initially talked to him his big wish was that multiple people be able to edit the site. That’s it. And the reason that multiple people can’t edit the site now is because they use some WYSIWYG editor of which only he has a copy. Obviously, my proposal for a web-based setup (ala WordPress) is going to solve that problem, but I’m a bit afraid that he sees the website as being pretty much a-ok otherwise. After all, he was the one who created it when their server went down and they lost their previous site (which had more content but was terribly, terribly ugly — but he says was “pretty neat”).

This is not a tech-embracing community. I worry about how to convince a non-tech-embracing community that this internet thing is a pretty hot commodity and that having an internet presence, one that offers more than mere announcements to parents that there’s a meeting next Wednesday, is a really good idea. I’d think that many, many families with soon-to-be students would research potential schooling opportunities for their spawn, and that the obvious choice for where that research might begin is online, but when I mention that to people in this community, I get blank looks.

Right now there is a serious threat that our program might be shut down next year (because we have too few students for the size of the school in a neighborhood that’s bursting with kids needing school space) and I feel like one way to mitigate that threat is to show the community what an awesome school we have, and an easy and immediate way to do that is to develop a very nice website. When people read newspaper articles about our school being shut down and they say to themselves, “Huh, I’ve never even heard of that school, wonder what it’s all about?” and then click through to the website, I want them to see the website and immediately think, “Wow, this is a school where cool things are happening! Why aren’t my kids going here instead of to our boring neighborhood school?!?” Or at the very least, “Hmm, this school seems to have its shit together and the parents seem to like it, maybe there’s a better idea than just closing it.” But I’m not sure that the principal will recognize the value in that (that the website could convey that, not that there might be better ideas than closing the school).

Maybe I’m wrong. I don’ t know, I have yet to sit down and talk with him and hear his ideas and gauge his response to mine. I’m really good at making up a long list of completely unfounded random concerns about things that make me anxious so it may well be that I end up with nothing to worry about. Let’s hope that’s the case…although even if I find out that that is indeed the case, I’ll already be too busy gnawing away at my next set of completely unfounded random concerns to feel too relieved.

I’m a little afraid I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. I just volunteered to redo my five year old’s school’s website.

What I’d really like to do for them is to set up a series of WordPress blogs — one for their main page, and then one for each core (which is the equivalent of a home room). I’d like to design a beautiful custom template that conveys a sense of all that is awesome about this school. I’d like lots of custom fixed pages that provide information but don’t need much updating.

I think that blog format is so great for a school (and really, so so many small websites) because the content that will be changing would essentially be periodic announcements (like blog entries) and not much else. Each classroom could have its own separate blog where teachers could post about assignments and students could post summaries about field trips or projects or ideas or whatever. School-family communication is always an issue but this way parents could either subscribe to feeds for the blogs they cared about or they could even receive posts by email. Teachers could post photos and password protect them so that families could still have access. Hell, parents could even comment on posts.

Plus, posting to WordPress, even a post that contains links and photos and video clips and specially formatted text and password protection is so damned easy. If they can use a word processor, they can post. And that’s definitely not true of most WYSISYG editors and abso-freakin-lutely not true of handcoded HTML.

I want my son’s school to have a website that functions as a school website should — as a marketing tool for community members and prospective families, and as a resource and communications tool for current families and staff. I want the site to look professional and beautiful. I want people to visit the site and say, “Huh, I thought that school was that crazy hippy school but wow, it looks like such a fun, exciting place!”

But I don’t know how to do this stuff. I poked into the WordPress theme stuff this weekend and immediately felt overwhelmed. Sure, it’s pretty obvious how to make modifications like color changes and background images and whatnot, but making more substantive changes? Adding widgets and additional functionality? I just don’t know. Hell, I’m not even sure how to set up more than one WordPress install on one hosting account — although I think I read something about it while doing my own install, so I’m pretty sure it’s possible.

I often do this with web stuff. I so adore web technology that I take on projects beyond me and figure I can somehow make it through on sheer excited earnestness. I so don’t want to fuck this one up.

I took my boys to a birthday party today. I didn’t realize that the invitations were somewhat exclusive until we got there and there were very few kids and even fewer from my son’s kindergarten class (the connection from which the invitation originated). So that made me feel kind of vicariously special. What made me feel even more special was when I participated in the kiddie fun (the party was at a crazy jumping castle place — the preschool birthday party destination spot threatens to carry over into kindergarten, apparently) and other parents participated with me, but afterward the moms commented to me that they had wanted to play but had felt too shy until I lead the way. So yay me for being a trend setter!

Really though, I was kind of surprised to hear that from the other moms. It was no surprise to me that the carefully coiffed moms from my son’s preschool set were resistant to playing, but these new moms are much more down to earth. much less high heeled and made up. But I guess self-consciousness is self-consciousness, and we’ve all got more than our fair share. The only reason I was bold enough to dive in and play was because I knew my boys would be so happy that I did. Sure, I wanted to slide down the big inflated slide too, but my own personal enjoyment alone would never have been enough to push me across that line.

On the other hand, I’m getting better at going into situations where I don’t know anyone and am expected to socialize. It still just about kills me, but I am managing to meet people’s eyes these days, and even smile and dredge up some long dusty small talk. I wish casual social interaction came more naturally to me! I know that sounds silly, but really, it’s only after I watch other people for a while that I start to see the patterns and figure out what’s expected of me.

I remember back when I used to work for the organization for which I currently work (I left for a few years and then came back) and I was so painfully shy that I couldn’t even bring myself to smile at people when I’d see them in the halls. To be honest, the completely unreasonable thoughts that were running through my head were that they would be annoyed by my greeting, they would annoyed that someone so worthless as me dared to intrude upon their hallway walk with my distracting, “hi.” I thought it would be much better if I just avoided their eyes and pretended to be entirely engrossed in the pattern of the carpet or the wall texture and then if they wanted to bother to greet me they could, but otherwise I wouldn’t bother them, wouldn’t get in their way with my pathetic little morning salutation.

So of course, everyone thought I was standoffish and unfriendly but I truly did not understand why. I was just trying to be considerate and not bother people.

This time when I returned to this place of employ I decided to be super, insanely, gregariously outgoing and actually smile at people when they passed me in the hall. Let me tell you, it took everything I could muster to make that happen, but I did it. And I’ve been shocked at how friendly people are! No one seem put out by the fact that I dared to interrupt their hallway walking with my greeting. In fact, the positive response has inspired me to expand my repertoire, often saying hello or good morning, sometimes even adding their names. The more I practice, the more comfortable I become and I’ve been surprised and pleased to see how easy I can use these new found interpersonal skills in other areas of my life too. Like at all these horrible parties and meetings and open houses I drag myself to, kicking and screaming. These people respond well to smiles and greetings too!

Small talk is more of a challenge, both coming up with topics and knowing when to speak up, but I’m working on it. One realization that has been so shocking that I almost can’t believe it is that I think other people might feel just as shy and awkward as I. I remember one morning when I was making small talk with a coworker in our breakroom while making coffee and our conversation came to and end and he was getting ready to leave and he started stumbling over the conversation, like he wasn’t sure how to wrap it up so that he could leave. At first I thought that it was me, that I was the one inspiring this awkwardness because I am so amazingly socially inept, but then it came to me in a flash that no! It was actually his own awkwardness! It still shocks me to think of that, to realize that everyone else doesn’t have their shit together. It gives me confidence to keep trying.

I’ve been feeling so dissatisfied with blogging lately! I feel like I barely blog at all and when I do blog I write these long rambling posts about nothing that anyone could possibly find interesting other than me. It used to be that when I felt discontent with blogging it meant that a breakthrough was right around the corner, that shortly I would feel better than ever about my writing — although the last several times I’ve felt discontent I haven’t had that corresponding breakthrough. I am well overdue.

I’ve been sick this week and I thought I was feeling better yesterday as my terrible sore throat finally started to recede, but then today I woke up feeling worse than ever, drowning under mountains of snot and congestion and coughing up my lungs every few minutes. I’ve been feeling bad as I watch all my carefully laid weekend plans o’ accomplishment slip away. but finally I gave in, baked a pan of turtle brownies, headed to the local movie store and then picked up dinner on the way home. I’ve been sitting on the couch and watching movies ever since and oh my god, it is the nicest thing! I never do this, I never give myself permission to be mindlessly entertained. I spend all my time doing things or feeling bad for not doing things and time for myself is only justified when overlapping some other more “useful” tasks. I watch movies while I workout in the mornings. I read on the bus or while I’m trying to nurse my two year old down to sleep. But I never take time for full, unadulterated slacking time for myself. It’s the nicest thing.

Someone broke into my car last night. Well, maybe “broke in” is a strong term since my car was sitting unlocked on the street, but either way, last night persons unknown opened my car door and rifled through my things.

I’m sure they were surprised to find that unlike most car owners, I actually do not keep wads of cash in either my glove compartment or the little console thingy between the driver and passenger seats. I also do not keep jewelry, antiques, pricey consumer electronics or credit cards in my car. All I had to offer them was my owner’s manual, several pens, a Putamayo World Playground CD and a diaper bag filled with diapers and clothes long, long outgrown. Shockingly, they opted to pass on all of the above.

The most annoying thing about the experience (aside from the fact that they left my passenger door open which could have killed my battery) was that they took my console stash of fast food napkins and tossed them into the backseat, which meant that when I started sneezing this morning I had to rely on the grimy rag I use to wipe down my dewy windows in the morning.

Overall I feel a bit as if I got the last laugh because, in their careful search, they completely overlooked my ashtray, which was stuffed with about $10 in small bills and change. Although I must admit that until this evening when I was driving home and trying to think about whether I ever kept money in my car, I had entirely forgotten about it myself.

I’m sick!

Oh, I feel so terrible. I wish I could stay home from work tomorrow but I can’t because I have so much to do, most specifically a project that was due yesterday. There seems to be this expectation that my department never meets its deadlines and everyone seems to accept that but I can’t seem to wrap my head around it.

It’s 7pm and my five year old’s teacher is calling me at 7:30pm and I’m not sure I can wait that long. I may fall asleep right here on the couch.

I do not feel well.

After his first day of daycare my two year old was eager to tell me about his day. They played outside! He ate crackers! He took a nap! He wore a hat! When I asked him, though, whether he wanted to go back, he scowled and said no. I changed the subject back to all the things he had done and he once again started smiling and babbling away.

This morning I took him back to his old childcare place, as I had planned to gradually ease him into this change. When we turned the wrong direction onto the road that leads to one or the other, he got very upset, insisted that he did not want to go back to the old place, he only wanted to go to the new.

He’s clearly quite pleased with the new place and ready to go back and I just don’t know what to make of it. My boy is not someone who deals well with change. The first time I ever took him out of a diaper to let him walk around naked from the waist down (and hopefully encourage him toward checking out the toilet), he just could not handle it. He would not move until I put his diaper back on. He was used to wearing his diaper, that’s how things were supposed to be, and that’s how he wanted them. The more I gently suggested that it was okay for him to be naked, the more upset he got. And this is how he is about every single thing. I know that part of it is just being two, I recall his brother being pretty committed to his routines at that age as well, but I think part of it is just the type of kid he is. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with it, I’m just surprised at how well he seems to be handing this pretty major change of his daily life.

Wow, I’ve gotten so much done this weekend! Although sadly “so much” actually equals “anything at all.” I’m not sure if it’s fall or just a much needed cycling back up of my energy in general, but the last couple weekends I’ve managed to get more done than the absolute bare minimum (which is making sure that we have clean bowls and something to wear Monday morning), and this weekend I even managed to move beyond that. I would be so happy if this energy was here to stay…at least for a few more months. I have so many things that need to get done!

Most important of my completed weekend tasks is that I finished my final project for my class. It’s funny, I completed my course work so early that I thought for sure I’d be done early too, but no, here I am, sending my instructor the link a mere three days before my absolute deadline.

But that’s okay. I know that a big part of my delay was procrastination and the intrusion of life in general, and another part was the fact that I decided to take on two final projects and turn in the one that got finished first, so all the work took twice as long. And since I was doing design work too, or at least design work that was meant for others, I spent much more time on that than I might have if I was designing to meet my own easily compromised standards.

The experience was great, though. There are definitely much easier ways to create a simple website than handcoding the whole thing, and I’m sure that had I had more experience with and knowledge of CSS I could have developed a style sheet that was better organized and made better use of the cascading. But eh, I think it’s good enough for a first attempt and as with anything, I’ll only get better with time.

It was a lot of fun to work on a project like this and it was very, very easy to start working and lose myself for hours and hours without meaning to, eventually awakening to the demands of my children and an amazingly stiff and aching body. I can see a lot of potential for this kind of work to become an enjoyable (and hopefully even lucrative) hobby, so I was inspired to begin acquiring the pieces to set up a much needed network in my house. Soon I will have my very own computer on my very own desk in my very own bedroom. Not that my children will ever allow me to use it, but I’ll remain optimistic that there might come a day.

Would you like to see the site? Here’s the site that existed before I started, and where I got most of the content. And here’s the site I created. I have to say that while I think it’s pretty enough, I don’t think it’s as good as I would have ideally liked. I hope I’ll be able to show you the other site I’m working on because that one is much prettier. I definitely felt restrained based on the type of site (informative versus commercial), as if an informative site needed to be plain with minimal graphics and couldn’t have the same kind of prettiness that a commercial site could have.

I learned so much during this first experience into developing a simple website. I think I did pretty well for my first time and I’m very excited to keep doing this work. After I finish the other site I’m working on, next up is designing my own theme for WordPress. That should be a piece of (yummy) cake and I’ll be so excited to polish up my site from this rough draft I never intended it to stay.