My Wildly Outgoing Self
I took my boys to a birthday party today. I didn’t realize that the invitations were somewhat exclusive until we got there and there were very few kids and even fewer from my son’s kindergarten class (the connection from which the invitation originated). So that made me feel kind of vicariously special. What made me feel even more special was when I participated in the kiddie fun (the party was at a crazy jumping castle place — the preschool birthday party destination spot threatens to carry over into kindergarten, apparently) and other parents participated with me, but afterward the moms commented to me that they had wanted to play but had felt too shy until I lead the way. So yay me for being a trend setter!
Really though, I was kind of surprised to hear that from the other moms. It was no surprise to me that the carefully coiffed moms from my son’s preschool set were resistant to playing, but these new moms are much more down to earth. much less high heeled and made up. But I guess self-consciousness is self-consciousness, and we’ve all got more than our fair share. The only reason I was bold enough to dive in and play was because I knew my boys would be so happy that I did. Sure, I wanted to slide down the big inflated slide too, but my own personal enjoyment alone would never have been enough to push me across that line.
On the other hand, I’m getting better at going into situations where I don’t know anyone and am expected to socialize. It still just about kills me, but I am managing to meet people’s eyes these days, and even smile and dredge up some long dusty small talk. I wish casual social interaction came more naturally to me! I know that sounds silly, but really, it’s only after I watch other people for a while that I start to see the patterns and figure out what’s expected of me.
I remember back when I used to work for the organization for which I currently work (I left for a few years and then came back) and I was so painfully shy that I couldn’t even bring myself to smile at people when I’d see them in the halls. To be honest, the completely unreasonable thoughts that were running through my head were that they would be annoyed by my greeting, they would annoyed that someone so worthless as me dared to intrude upon their hallway walk with my distracting, “hi.” I thought it would be much better if I just avoided their eyes and pretended to be entirely engrossed in the pattern of the carpet or the wall texture and then if they wanted to bother to greet me they could, but otherwise I wouldn’t bother them, wouldn’t get in their way with my pathetic little morning salutation.
So of course, everyone thought I was standoffish and unfriendly but I truly did not understand why. I was just trying to be considerate and not bother people.
This time when I returned to this place of employ I decided to be super, insanely, gregariously outgoing and actually smile at people when they passed me in the hall. Let me tell you, it took everything I could muster to make that happen, but I did it. And I’ve been shocked at how friendly people are! No one seem put out by the fact that I dared to interrupt their hallway walking with my greeting. In fact, the positive response has inspired me to expand my repertoire, often saying hello or good morning, sometimes even adding their names. The more I practice, the more comfortable I become and I’ve been surprised and pleased to see how easy I can use these new found interpersonal skills in other areas of my life too. Like at all these horrible parties and meetings and open houses I drag myself to, kicking and screaming. These people respond well to smiles and greetings too!
Small talk is more of a challenge, both coming up with topics and knowing when to speak up, but I’m working on it. One realization that has been so shocking that I almost can’t believe it is that I think other people might feel just as shy and awkward as I. I remember one morning when I was making small talk with a coworker in our breakroom while making coffee and our conversation came to and end and he was getting ready to leave and he started stumbling over the conversation, like he wasn’t sure how to wrap it up so that he could leave. At first I thought that it was me, that I was the one inspiring this awkwardness because I am so amazingly socially inept, but then it came to me in a flash that no! It was actually his own awkwardness! It still shocks me to think of that, to realize that everyone else doesn’t have their shit together. It gives me confidence to keep trying.
October 14th, 2008 at 12:11 am
Ha! We sound very similar. It takes a massive amount of effort for me to be social or even pleasant with people I have just met. Usually, I have to show up somewhere 4-5 times before I can make eye contact. I wonder what life must be like for extroverts or non-shy people?