Sticks and Stars

For my semi-birthday lunch yesterday I wound up eating a potato, onion and mushroom piroshky and an apple cinnamon roll. Very tasty and very festive. Today however, after discovering that mysterious elves had actually deposited my leftover mulligatawny into my fridge instead of on my counter as I had believed, I was able to salvage that for my lunch.

For dinner last night the boys had cheese pizza, a sliced pear and “holiday grapes,” which I had never heard of until spying them at the aforementioned local public market, but are plump and juicy and so, so sweet. I bought almost a pound and a half of them and the boys (with a little help from me) devoured them.

Tonight we had grilled cheese sandwiches, naturally sweetened applesauce, and steamed frozen peas. It seems like our vegetable selection meanders only through the very limited selection of corn, peas, and carrots, but that’s what my boys like so I’m not sure how to expand from there. Perhaps it will come with time.

I’m feeling really torn about my five year old’s school. It’s not thrilling me, to say the least.

I originally chose the school because it seemed as close as I could come to my homeschooling ideals while still being able to work and support my family. The most important parts were the focus on experiential learning and social justice, and the self-proclaimed status of “modified free school,” which meant that kids got to direct their own learning. This last one is particularly important to me as I feel that’s a key piece of making sure that kids love to learn all their lives and don’t think of learning as being wrapped up in some scruffy cardboard box labeled school.

But it turns out that this school is not a free school, modified or otherwise. It used to be, but the principal (who became principal about five years ago) has been doing away with it over the years until it’s finally gone now. In a recent meeting he held with a group of parents he even mocked the concept, saying that it wasn’t acceptable for kids to choose not to learn math, etc., and then he followed that with a comment about unschooling (of which I am a big fan) that clearly implied that he felt “unschooling” meant “uneducating.” These comments were particularly concerning to me because they were so absolutely unenlightened, especially coming from the leader of a school with a very long tradition of providing exactly that kind of education. Letting kids direct their learning doesn’t mean that they don’t learn math, it just means that teachers work to incorporate math into whatever it is that the kids are interested in learning about. It just means that sitting down with a math book and worksheets is fucking boring and will rarely show anyone the beautiful clever trickiness of numbers, while teaching a kid who wants to sew a costume about measuring and estimating and fractions and whatever else is going to cement those lessons in ways that worksheets and tests never will.

So fine, right? I can’t have my free school within the school district but I can unhappily live with that because at least I have experiential learning, right? And as I said, I don’t want my boys to think of learning as happening only in school, so it’s really important that they get outside the school walls as often as possible.

But maybe I don’t have so much experiential learning after all. It’s been a long tradition at this school that Fridays are reserved for field trips or for other experiential-type events. However, during the aforementioned meeting with parents, this principal commented that reserving Fridays for such things was like “taking twenty percent right off the top.” The way he said it implied that what was being “taken” was the opportunity to actually learn (like with math books and stuff) instead of wasting time on all those useless trips to nature preserves and performances and science centers and whatnot, and once again I had to wonder how exactly it is that he views learning. To my way of thinking, those trips and experiences are a way to contextualize whatever is happening inside the classroom or to at least expose kids to things that will never be part of their classrooms. They certainly aren’t just fluff that must be endured at the expense of “real” learning.

The principal advocates ending the tradition of experiential learning Fridays. Of course, he was quick to add, experiential learning would still happen, we just wouldn’t have to give up all of Friday. What that means, exactly, I don’t know. Maybe we just give up every other Friday? Maybe just three out of four Fridays every month? Maybe we get to have an experiential day once a quarter? Twice a year? Once a year? Obviously I’m exaggerating, but it definitely feels like the principal is taking this school in a direction that does not mesh well with what I want for my boys.

Of course, though, it’s what happens in the classroom that really matters, right? So how do I feel about what’s happening in my son’s classroom? Well, I don’t know how I feel since I don’t actually have any idea what happens in my son’s classroom. His teacher is terrible about communicating with parents (or at least parents who don’t show up in her classroom every day) so I miss out on all manner of things. Mostly recently the k-2 grades had a talent show, where my son apparently sang. Sadly, despite the fact that they’d been practicing for weeks, I didn’t know about it until he came home and told me that night. I’m pretty sad about missing that.

It’s currently parent-teacher conference time and I’m planning to ask his teacher lots of questions, not only about how my son is doing, but about how she’s handling how he’s doing. She already told me that he’s “quite academically advanced” and I want to know how she’s supporting that. One of my big reasons for seeking out the kind of education I’ve been describing in this post is because I really, really don’t want my boys to be bored in school and I know from a great deal of experience that boredom comes from being ahead of one’s classmates, yet expected to do their same work. How is she keeping him from being bored?

At this point I feel terribly, terribly torn about my level of commitment to this school. Right now the community is still dealing with the possibility of our building being closed (we find out if we are on the list on the 25th) and so I’ve been doing a lot of work to fight for the program, not to mention all the work I’m doing on their website. It’s a weird division to be, on the one hand, fighting for this program, but on the other hand not knowing whether I want my son enrolled.

The further problem is that there really aren’t many other options. The other alternative programs in my city (that are within reasonable driving distance) are very, very full (and really aren’t terribly “alternative” when compared to (at least the current iteration of) my son’s school) and the traditional schools in my neighborhood aren’t exactly sought after. Private school, while a nice idea, is really outside the budget and I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t fit in with private school families terribly well anyway (and I think that’s important, considering that these people would play significant roles in my sons’ lives — I do not want my son to be in a position where he’s the weird charity kid).

Last night I laid awake for a long time thinking about the possibility of starting a small web development business and moving in with my dad in the small town where I grew up. I could support my boys, homeschool them, be close to my dad. There are many (many!) downsides to that plan (like how my dad and I would kill each other within a week, or how the thought of my boys growing up in that miserable town makes me feel ill), but I have to think about my priorities for their lives. What would I sacrifice if I made a choice like that? What am I sacrificing now by choosing the life we currently lead?

Perhaps instead of reporting on my month of attempting to not eat out, I can instead spend a month reporting my justifications for all the time I ate out while trying not to.

Yesterday was an eat-out-all-day kind of day, although not entirely intentionally. For lunch my team at work took our boss on a private food tour of our local public market. It wasn’t cheap but it was our special gift to him since he’s leaving in about three weeks. So that’s okay (although what’s less okay is my scheming to go back now that I’ve been introduced to so very many yummy eateries at this market).

Dinner was a big fiasco. Last night there was a meeting at my son’s school that I learned, late in the day, started at 6pm. I knew that if I rushed to pick up my boys, we could get to the school exactly in time for the meeting, but that left no time to go home and get dinner. Although we live somewhat close to the school, between home and it are freeway on- and off-ramps, a big mall, and a big transit center, making the road to get from one to the other somewhat hellish during evening rush hour. So it was either go home or go to the school, but it couldn’t be both.

When we got to the school at 6pm on the dot, I was surprised to find it completely dark with an empty parking lot. I quickly checked my smartphone to see if the meeting time had changed (which, since I don’t have a smartphone, means that I sent a text message to a friend who does have one and asked her to check my email) and confirmed that, oh wait, the meeting is actually at 6:30.

So I had a half hour to kill, three hungry bellies, and no way to get home and back in a half hour. The local food options included a burrito place (my boys might eat beans and rice), a sub shop (my boys might eat a veggie-free, meat-or-cheese-only sandwich if they can get past the fact that the bread doesn’t look like sandwich bread) or a teriyaki place. As my boys love gyoza and rice with teriyaki sauce, the choice was easy, so once again, we ate out.

I had high hopes for today, though, what with the last of this weekend’s mulligatawny waiting patiently in my fridge, but although I took it out of the fridge and set it next to my bag and salivated a little at the thought of eating it for lunch, I walked right out the door without it. So once again, I have to buy lunch. But all is not entirely lost because I figure that this and the fact that my birthday is Sunday are both good excuses to warrant a trip back to yesterday’s public market in order to treat myself to a few goodies. It’s always okay if it’s for your birthday.

I didn’t realize how much we do not eat meals on the weekends if we don’t eat out. But it’s true, rather than eat “meals” as such, we snack all day long. Items that may or may not have been eaten over the past two days include: yogurt, ramen, canned peaches, granola bars, graham crackers, apples, string cheese, tortilla chips and seven layer dip, bell pepper strips, chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and/or baby carrots.

We did eat breakfast on Sunday morning because there was a package of breakfast sausage in the fridge that needed to get eaten, and I’ve been trying to find clever ways to disguise these unpleasant frozen mini pancakes I bought a while back in order to offer some variety to my kids’ breakfasts, so I sauteed some apples with sugar and cinnamon and dumped them on top. Sadly, the pancakes were still terrible, but my five year old is a complete sucker for the apple topping, so he downed quite a few.

And then I made mulligatawny for dinner (only for myself, of course — both boys tried it and pronounced it yucky). I used this recipe and it was quite good but maybe a little too sweet. Next time I might use a little less of the chutney or use potato instead of the apple. With the addition of cream at the end, it becomes quite rich and tasty. I also made a big pot of rice and look forward to enjoying them both in my lunch this week (indeed, the soup is even better the second day).

Today I stayed home from work and after meeting with the principal at my son’s school regarding the website I was very hungry so I treated myself to donuts but otherwise we haven’t eaten out today. Let me tell you though, it was a struggle. If it wasn’t for the fact that I knew I’d have to report back to my blog, I would have gotten fast food this evening for sure. So yay for internet accountability.

Rather than nutritionless fast food (but french fries!) and a cheap plastic toy, my boys ate fettuccine alfredo, apple chips and baby carrots. The fettuccine was the frozen kind (although really quite tasty, considering), and apple chips are merely raw apples cut in thinnish slices. What can I say, the boys like a little variety in their raw apples.

Well, day two of NoEaOuMo didn’t go so well. It started with me forgetting that I ran out of coffee on Thursday, so I had to buy coffee once I got to work. I suppose I didn’t have to buy coffee, but I’ve been stuck in meetings pretty much all week and I was really hoping for a super productive day to help mitigate my week long lack of productivity and I definitely felt that coffee was a prerequisite for such an endeavor. The super-size overly sweet holiday beverage I purchased, however, was not.

Then, I didn’t bring anything for lunch because I was expecting to have lunch with a friend (and I feel that the rare occurrences in my life of social meals is a reasonable exception to my eating out embargo) but she canceled on me. I did my best to survive on only the candy in my boss’ candy jar, but he’s been gone for a few days and pickings are getting mighty slim. A girl cannot survive on jolly ranchers alone. Especially if she wants to have any teeth left at the end of the day. So I ended up at the local curry place eating the $4 Friday special.

And then, as the final insult, I took my boys out to eat for dinner last night. My boys and I have had kind of a rough week and it’s one of my boys’ very favorite treats to go out to eat at Red Robin and they’ve been asking for weeks when we’d next go, so I thought it would be a really great surprise to take them there after work. Sure there are other ways I could have surprised them but…well…I was hungry too.

Today, I anticipate, should be better.

During months where I actually manage to track my money, I’ve noticed that I tend to spend at least twice my entire grocery budget eating out. This kills my budget, of course, and more importantly, it really annoys me. Why does it annoy me? Because for all the money I’m spending, I’m not eating particularly well.

Now, if it were just me alone, I’d definitely be eating well. What has so far shown itself to be the best Indian restaurant in my city is just a few blocks from my house, and a few blocks from that is the restaurant at which I was first introduced to Thai food so many years ago, and if I’m not interested in picking something up, I can always have fancy, expensive pizza (that is, not coincidentally, the best pizza I’ve ever had in my life) delivered to my doorstep.

But alas, it’s not just me, and my boys don’t like spicy and my boys don’t like vegetables mixed with things and my boys don’t like sauces and my boys don’t like pizza that involves ingredients more complicated than cheese and pineapple (and the little one won’t even go for the pineapple). So instead of spending my money on good, yummy food, I eat a lot of mediocre crap just so that I can also purchase something for my children. Pizza Hut is a prime example. I do not like Pizza Hut pizza yet I can generally find something on the menu that is endurable because they offer a $4 personal-sized pineapple pizza that is perfect for my boys. Even the smallest cheese pizza at my preferred pizza establishment is something like $13, and there’s a good chance that something about it will be just foreign enough that my children will reject it entirely.

The end result is that I spend a lot of money to eat a lot of crap, I’m pretty unhappy about it, and I’ve decided to do something about it. I’ve decided to challenge myself to go one entire month without eating out, getting take-out, having food delivered, picking up fast food, etc.

It’s not hard to cook at home, especially when my standards are as low as they are. Or rather, since that doesn’t sound very complimentary, let me rephrase. It’s not hard to cook at home, especially since I don’t allow any sort of traditional notions about meals restrict our dining options. Speed is probably the biggest priority. At the earliest, we don’t get home until six. If I’m going to spend any time with my boys and yet still start their bedtime routine at 7:30, dinner needs to be as quick (and easy) as possible.

Nutrition closely follows speed. At my house, the minimal dinner requirements are generally a couple servings of fruits or veggies and a little bit of protein. Since snacks at our house tend to be things like crackers, toast, granola bars, cereal, fruit and yogurt, I feel like my minimal dinner requirements round things out nicely enough. Monday and Tuesday’s dinners consisted of fish sticks (cod, not that minced crap — although we are not above the minced crap), sliced bananas and steamed frozen corn, and strawberries, peas and cheese quesadillas. Last night, our weekly gymnastics night, needed to be extra quick, so we went with Hot Pockets, apple slices and raw baby carrots. A menu like that means that dinner is on the table in five minutes. For the others, fifteen minutes at most.

Given that I’ve established a long list of very quick and very easy and reasonably nutritious meals that my boys will actually eat, I don’t think it will be hard to cook every night. The key is just getting myself back into the habit. My hope is that thirty days of doing so will not only provide enough repetition to establish the habit, but might even reveal better grocery shopping and meal planning strategies. And I think that for further accountability, I’m even going to post what I eat for lunch and what my family eats for dinner for the entirety of this experiment.

That part feels a little scary to me. It’s like letting people come over without cleaning my house first. Now you will see that we are not a family that eats all whole grains and organic produce with a healthy sprinkling of wheat germ for flavor. But that’s okay. It’s all in the same of science, right? Or…maybe “science” isn’t the right word. It’s all in the name of weird blog experiments that no one really cares about, right? Right.

So anyway, day one. Today for lunch, instead of going out to the Thai place next door for food so spicy that it was actually painful to eat it (as I did yesterday), I ate leftover spaghetti and a lot of candy from my boss’ candy jar. For dinner my boys and I had macaroni and cheese (yep, the boxed kind), canned peach slices (supposedly in light syrup, but if that syrup was light, I’d hate to see what they consider heavy syrup), and applesauce (naturally sweetened, if you care). It was a very yellow meal, made even more so by the presentation on yellow plates. Tomorrow will bring the real challenge as a) as of tonight all the dishes in my house are officially dirty, and b) Friday night is the one night I generally allow us to eat out guilt free as a way to celebrate the end of the week and the impending weekend. We shall see if I can remain strong in the face of adversity.

I should be coding the new site for my son’s school but I’m feeling bad about it instead.

I showed a group of parents the three mockups I did and they unanimously chose the one I posted and indeed, I felt pretty good about it too. But then when I got home, I started getting emails from one parent in particular who had lots of “helpful suggestions” for me. I suppose I asked for it by saying at the meeting something along the lines of, “I’m not a professional designer, so I’m happy to hear any suggestions or feedback!” but I didn’t really expect the level of feedback she’s providing.

And I suppose I made it worse for myself by responding to her feedback and providing her a variety of new examples that incorporated her suggestions, so now she’s providing feedback on those and has firmly decided on what’s right and wrong with the site I proposed.

I don’t like what she’s suggesting but I fear that maybe it’s just me being attached to my work and that I should go with what she wants because she has more objectivity about the whole thing than I do. But really, I don’t like what she’s suggesting. I don’t think her ideas make the site better. I do recognize the validity of some of her recommendations for change, but so far neither of us have come up with good ideas in my opinion.

And frankly, I don’t want to keep playing with ideas! This site is going to take a good while to code and it’s going to take much longer to gather and edit all the content and that’s what I want to focus on. But now I feel bad about what I created. I feel like it’s wrong and awkward and the colors are terrible. I feel like people are going to see the site and say, “Oh….well….at least it’s better than our current site. And really…what else would you expect from such an amateur?”

I guess it all comes down to my pride. Or wanting people to think well of me, which, I suppose, is related to pride. These people don’t really know me and it’s important to me that they see all the ways in which I am amazingly impressive so that they don’t automatically dismiss me as some unintelligent, slovenly, fat, single mother, or whatever other judgments I fear they might pass on me.

Sigh.

My boys don’t understand why I am sitting here crying. I keep telling them that I am crying because I’m happy.

I am bitter, cynical and jaded. I didn’t realize I cared so much.

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve taken over the reworking of my son’s school’s website and I’m super determined to create an amazing site. I have some ideas for a redesign but the design part is not my strong suit. I can design, and sometimes I even manage to stumble upon a very nice design, but oh the stress and angst that comes first! The hideous first drafts! The hideous second drafts! The hideous third drafts!!!! Overall I do actually like to do design work, but it’s best to do it for myself because I really care what other people think of the work I do, especially artistic work, and all of my stress comes from the fear of disappointing.

So I was thrilled when I met another kindergarten parent who happens to be a graphic designer and was very interested in doing design work for the website. We talked over ideas, I showed him my own terrible unsatisfactory drafts and he promised to get me some mockups.

What a relief! Not only did I get to escape the stressful design process while still implementing my vision for the site, but I got a professional to do the work, someone who really knew what they were doing instead of me, just making up shit as I go along and hoping for the best.

This morning the mockups finally arrived and I eagerly downloaded them from my email. But when I opened the attachments it was like all the wind was knocked out of me. God, they are terrible!! I mean, they are okay, but they look so unprofessional and average. They look like someone with no design ability tried to design a website. They are like my crappy drafts that I would never show to anyone. I cannot bear the thought of creating a website that looks like one of those designs.

So now I don’t know what to do. Do I email the parent and tell him thanks for the contributions, but I’ll take it from here? Do I try to work with what he sent, suggesting endless revisions until the sites don’t look at all like what he offered? Do I just suck it up and close my eyes and code the site as is?

It just amazes me that someone who does this work professionally produced these mockups. I mean, really, I almost cannot believe it. I keep thinking that maybe he changed his mind at the last minute and just threw something together because that’s totally what it looks like. But I can’t very well ask him whether that’s the case.

Sigh. I just want a beautiful website for my son’s school.