Sticks and Stars

Schools were closed due to snow (or, in one case, the mere threat) on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and so I got an unexpected five day weekend. I must say, it’s amazing how relaxing these guilt- and pressure-free days have been. If it had been scheduled vacation time I would have felt obligated to do something or accomplish something, but these were gift days, days I never expected to have.

It’s also amazing how much I’ve gotten done. I approached the week and weekend with a long pre-Christmas task list but having long lazy days meant that I could accomplish things at my leisure with plenty of time for all the many interruptions and breaks that usually plague my industriousness. I see now that weekends really aren’t long enough…or I, at least, need to lower my expectations about what I can get done.

Now that I know for sure I’m not going to be director of my department any time soon (and now that I’m sure I don’t wish to be either), I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want my life to look like in the near and far future. I expect to stay at my current job for about four or five years (and I’ve already held this position for almost one), by which time I will have completed this current certificate program and at least one other (there’s a new AJAX program that’s meant to follow this one that seems a likely candidate, but there is also a usability graduate certificate program and a web design program at another college that I might feel more pulled toward a year from now), and I’ll have solid web development experience under my belt, both from my job and from the myriad side projects I keep taking on. I keep wondering if that might be the time to strike out on my own, to see if I could actually create a web development business.

The idea seems embarrassingly lofty to even post about at this point, but I’m seriously concerned about my boys’ schooling and I worry that homeschooling them is going to be the only way I’ll truly be satisfied, and these past few days have shown me just how nice it is to be able to set my own schedule, how nice it is to cook good dinners for my family because I have the time and I’m not exhausted, how nice it is to be able to stop what I’m doing anytime they ask for my attention, how nice it is to feel like I’m not just rushing through my days, trying to get to the next thing.

I don’t kid myself that running a business would leave me free to pursue a life of leisure, but I think I could schedule our days to a much greater advantage for everyone and I think I could make better use of our time. Not to mention, I just don’t need all that much money. What I make right now feels pretty comfortable and I still make well below the median income for a family of three in my city. I’d be surprised if I couldn’t pull in at least this much on my own.

For right now, there’s nothing to do but think about things and watch the road ahead. I have a while yet before I can even guess whether these kinds of dreams are a remote possibility. But it’s exciting to think about the future. I like my life. I feel content with it and successful and proud of what I’ve created. It’s exciting to think further, though, to think about how I could shape my life so that it’s truly my “dream life,” whatever that might be.

After being snowed in for two days, my boys and I ventured out to stock up on groceries before this afternoon’s impending snowstorm. I must say that I have never seen the grocery store so packed and once again I have to wonder why people get so upset over cart traffic jams and people holding up the aisle while trying to pick out what kind of ketchup they want. Me, I just smile at everyone and say excuse me and wait my turn at the end-of-the-aisle four way stops. Funny, it was the other mothers with carts of children who were also smiling and being patient.

The highlight of the trip was when a very attractive woman bought a toy for my boys that they were pleading for but to which I said no. She was so very attractive and I really wanted to talk to her, but I couldn’t think of a way to casually interject into our minimal waiting-to-check-out line banter, “So..are you a lesbian? Because you kind of look like one. And if you are, are you single? Because maybe we could hang out sometime…since you seem to like kids and all…and I’m cute and you’re cute…maybe we’d get along…” So alas, I remained silent but I’m very tempted to post one of those “I Saw You” ads.

Now we are back home and preparing to settle in for a long winter’s nap…or at least a long winter’s afternoon of treat making. I’m giving my dad and brother some homemade treats along side their more traditional gifts, so today I’m making oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and spiced, candied pecans, and tomorrow I’m making sugar cookies (the boys will handle the decorating) and caramel popcorn. A nice variety if I do say so myself!

The other cheap gift I’m giving them is a mixed CD of lefty folk protest songs. My dad has a CD player in his car and just one CD (Bob Dylan’s greatest hits, if you’re wondering) and I have no idea what my brother listens to, but they both fancy themselves lefties and everyone loves a song criticizing George Bush, right?

The boys’ gifts are all purchased and wrapped under the tree as well — except one for my five year old that was back ordered and two for my two year old that are trapped at my workplace, a location I have not managed to get to in three days due to snow-related school closures. I limited myself to $100 each, including stocking stuffers, and I stuck to it, which makes me very happy. Maybe that seems like a lot of money to spend, I don’t know, but it’s a small amount compared to what I’ve spent during Christmases past (passed?).

All in all, we are ready for snow or Christmas, whichever comes first. The house is more or less clean, presents are more or less ready, groceries are stocked with plenty of options for treats, and we are all in good spirits. Okay, my two year old is actually having a tantrum on the floor because I made him return the truck he stole from his brother, but I’m pretty sure that will pass.

It’s so shocking (to me anyway — probably no one else even notices) that I’m not posting much any more. In five and a half years of blogging, this is definitely the biggest downturn I’ve ever taken and I’m not sure what’s causing it. I’ve even started wondering if maybe blogging just isn’t my thing anymore, maybe I’ve outgrown it, maybe whatever narcissistic need it satisfied in me is finally met.

Or maybe I’ve just been busy, I don’t know.

Last night was the culminating meeting with regard to the potential closure of my son’s school. The fight is by no means over as it won’t be until the end of January that we hear the final recommendations and the school board votes, but at least for now there’s a lull where I can finally stop to enjoy the snow and the twinkling lights and the excitement of my boys as the presents pile up under the tree.

Our final meeting, our “public hearing” went quite well. Most of these school closure hearings are dry yet angrily aggressive affairs (if you’ve ever been to a school board meeting you might be able to imagine) but that’s not the style of my son’s little school. Our hearing was filled with food, kids running everywhere and providing much comic relief, and lots of impassioned testimony from parents and alums about how much this school means to them. It was an inspiring night on a night where I needed inspiration. I’ve put so much work into this process with so little return that it’s hard not to question whether it’s all worth it. But after last night I definitely feel like it was (and is).

I’m still looking at private schools though, since I have no idea how this will all come out in the end. With a decent enough financial aid package I could possibly afford it and now that my son has essentially been spoiled for traditional schools by the freedom and respect he’s been offered at his current school, I think it’s all the more critical to be prepared with a replacement where he will continue to be met where he’s at and supported whether he’s working with his peers or above, where he will be allowed to be his questioning, exuberant, outgoing, energetic, easily bored precocious little self.

In other news, I have a new boss at work. I decided not to apply for my old boss’ job and although I was initially jealous when they offered the position (quite surprisingly) to a co-worker who was certainly no more qualified than me (and likely less), two weeks later I feel pretty content with my decision. I don’t want to do the work I see him doing and he has good plans for getting me out of the semi-management role my old boss placed me in and back into primarily technical work. Already I feel like I can leave the managing to him and just focus on my work and I didn’t realize what a drain on me it was to feel otherwise.

Plus he’s advocating for me to get some of the certificate program I’m doing paid for by my work. It looks like it will be, at most, $500 of a $3000 program, but hey, that’s better than the $0 I was previously expecting!

That’s all I have time to write now. Perhaps now that I feel like the weight of this school closure business is at least temporarily off my shoulders, I will write more later.

My five year old showed me his first very wiggly loose tooth tonight. He told me he was going to punch himself in the mouth in order to knock it out. I remember it so well, that struggle between wanting to wiggle it and wanting it out but then also dealing with how much pain I was willing to endure to achieve my goals.

Tonight, amidst the absolute chaos that is the life of a single parent trying to balance a full-time job and a part-to-full-time leadership role in the struggle to save my son’s school, I celebrated with my two year old who, for the first time, peed in the potty.